12:55 AM
August 31, 2005
"i wanna talk about something, but I don't want to bother anyone about it. I want to cry to someone sometimes, but I don't think anyone would understand. I'm trapped inside my own shadowy cell of a brain, and there's nothing I can do it rid myself of the "it" that's crowding me inside.
What in the world will i do when its already tearing at me and I fear it's becoming too much for just one small mind..."
sniff...
I'll know my BA standing tomorrow... including the number of points i need and the probablity of my passing the subject. I'll know if i'll need to drop or not. And if I do, I'll know if I'll stay in the course or not. And if I do know, and I don't make it, I can simply take all my savings and somehow take a long vacation to distract myself from killing me. T_T
10:21 PM
August 30, 2005
Going crazy...I'm doing so bad in school right now that I almost burst into tears a while ago in Stat 101 after I recieved my exam. T_T For some bizarre reason, i got a score way below the mean score of 70/100. And here comes Vigile and Bong acting like the world has just burned their houses down when they got scores HIGHER than the mean... MUCH HIGHER than me. It's really hard to have friends who act like they're SOO depressed with a score much higher than yours. Makes you feel all the more horrible... T_T
Plus there's my Accounting exam. And of course Nat Sci.
Sometimes the weight of all these disappointments seem to weigh down on me all of a sudden and I start to think of how possibly stupid I really am... or of how weak willed I am... or how incapable I am of handling such pressures. I want to drop Nat Sci, but I don't want to waste money. I hate my life right now. I hate J***, I hate O*****, I hate A*********, I hate my exams, I hate homework, I hate C***, I hate my weakness, I hate someone sometimes, I hate a whole bunch of ideas a lot of the time, I hate so many things... T_T
Luckily there are things that are keeping me going, like the Films I watched last Saturday to uplift my mood, RPT application (who'da thought how much this would uplift me after a year?), my RPT batchmates (anniv ng batch namin kahapon and we had dinner in a very memorable place for us), my new books *joy!* and of course our unexpected holiday last monday, etc.
Thank goodness I know that God somehow still loves me!
9:30 PM
August 18, 2005
Take 2! For more recent events...
We've been hanging around at Sig's lately, watching this nice anime called HOney and Clovers. :D *Takemoto!!! XD* The anime is so cute. :D It is sort of reminiscent of Fruits Basket and Kare Kano to me. :D
We finished watching as much as we could, then we hung out at Sig's, where I treated Sig as a therapist and started complaining to het about my problems.
*Sigh* I've been really stressed and tired lately. I was telling her that after the NAt Sci exam I was actually screaming at both JE and Vigile to relieve some of my frustrations, cause I knew I flunked the exam I studied so hard for anyway. At least econ doesn't let me down. I don't think I did well in my Kas or Stat exam either. T_T
In fact, my stress levels have been pretty high lately that I've been considering letting go of a certain highly stressful *and apparently not-worth-it-anyway subject*. I wonder if i will... I haven't really been doing well, which is a shame considering I've been studying pretty hard anyway. That's the worst part. Studying and studying so hard yet seeing your grades slip anyway. Damn...
In fact, I did ok in my econ exam. Someone got as low as 18/100 in Mrs. Monsod's own lecture class, and she was so furious, I heard her rage about in the back of the auditorium. Scary. I didn't do as well as my other exam, but considering the general level of scores, I did fine. The highest in all sections was 92, and I wasn't that far away. Though apparently It'll get harder from here. X_x
And thus as a result of this stress, I've been getting especially mean sometimes. Especially to vigile. (although consider yourselves lucky cause i have now found a temporary outlet, so this will subside a bit. ^^;
Anyway, back to Sig's place. There in herh house, while we were talking and Vigile was talking to Stacy on the phone, Vigile suddenly started crying. Really sobbing. 0_0 That was the second time it happened, also with the exact same scenario that I'm starting to think that maybe it only happened once and that I just imagined the first. But really, if i remember correctly, both times we never found out what we (i?) did wrong. Cause in both cases, Vigile said she forgot ehy she suddenly burst into tears. But sorry anyway vigile. :c
And Sig actually knows the cartoon "The Last Unicorn"!!! I was starting to think that I was the last existing human (that at least i know) to remember such a cartoon. So happy... TuT
And my love for reading has currently escalated so much that Vigile actually abandoned me without a word in the AS walk because I kept on gushing and poking at the piles of books there. ^^; But really, I think it helps relieve my stress.
BTW, I had my stuffed toys cleaned, and Sig Bear's pretty blue flower got torn of her hat. It's currently gone, and I don't really have much hope of finding it again. :c
I watched charlie and the chocolate factory. Johnny Depp is a great actor. :D
And I lost my most favorite bookmark! X(
And at least 4 people I know have told me that I look like an anime. ^^; I have yet to figure out if thats a compliment or insult, but I'd rather take it as a compliment. :D
9:27 PM
Tsk, tsk... My long planned for blog entry...Gee... I've been waiting to write here for so long that my entry will be almost as lengthy. :D
First off... Have i mentioned to any of you that my CWTS group was assigned to an institution called Bahay Mapagmahal, for crippled children? I'm getting donations for this group btw, please help them! They only live on a budget of php45 per day, and that's not really sufficient to cover for all their food and vitamins, especially considering that some of them are in the process of healing their broken limbs. Anyway, some kids in this institution have a disease (some muscular dystrophy?) that slowly causes theier body to deteriorate. The usual lifespan of one with such a disease os I think 15? And one day, my groupmates were asking one of the inficted kids what he wanted to be when he grew up. Completely broke our hearts. He wanted to be a "tubero" can you believe, and buy a little house for his poor family. T_T But we were told he wouldn't last long. Sad.
And Bianca had to go to school in costume too! For AME. :D
And Vigile said ako daw pinaka "tigang" sa grupo. Lovelife less is *still* bliss. XD
And anyway, we went out for Selda's birthday several weeks ago. Had a grand time at the karaoke room where we were able to get Dwelly to sing "I'm too sexy..." ;) Most of us also got henna tatoos! ^_^ Sig and Tracy had on a modified Soul Eater Rune and Stacy had a Goddess insignia. Nice. I wanted to have one on my hand, unfortunately, I had a wedding to attend and I didn't want my mom or my aunt to wring my neck. ^^; I was texting Kimmy, but the number's I've been texting were old and stolen. -__- I was also texting Selda's old number, which was why she didn't get my midnight birthday greeting. T_T Luckily, all these numbers have been corrected now. :D
And Bianca and I had to go shopping for a formal outfit for my aunt's despedida. Guess who now has a few skirts in her closet? But note that this person will probably never wear it in the presence of anybody reading this blog. XD
And the wedding was nice. So was the reception and the despedida. Imagine a buffet with at least 6 different kinds of dessert. *drool drool* It was funny, cause Ms. Andal was in the choir of the wedding too. ^^; And sadly, it seems I've grown a little fatter than expected. I actually gained weight within the 2 week period of fitting the dress and the wedding. -__- Luckily, the dress still fit, but I still gained weight! X(
More on the dark side of my current life, my grades seem to be in a very steep downhill curve. Aside from my econ grades, which have still declined but I'll get to that later, my Nat Sci exam is SSSoOOO horrible. The second and fourth lowest exam I've had in my entire college life! The third just so happens to be my BA exam (which I at least still passed) but gah! All with just a slim SLIM margin. Like I'm hanging on a fingernail on the brink of flunking. T_T
In fact I'm thinking of dropping Nat Sci 1, but it's still under deep consideration within the highly stressed realms of my foggy brain. X__x
More on my BA exam, there is no such thing as a BELL CURVE in my college, especially not in my teacher's vocab. What you get is what you get, and WAAHH! Accounting is so damn hard! This first exam is supposed to be the easiest of all exams I'll ever have for the rest of my BA life, and honestly it was a big plunge in the deep depressing mud. With a passing of 65, I only passed by a small percentage, I don't even want to think about it. And we even have a grade retention scheme. If I don't get at least 2.25 on this subject, I'm gonna be kicked out. X_x WAAAH!!!! But (even though its a pathetic consolation) at least there are a LOT of us. A hell lot. But of course, there are the oblation scholars... u_u
You know, I've recently been craving instrumental and classical music. for studying, specifically... I wonder if it'll help calm my stress..
And my mom and aunt were supposed to go to the US, unfortunately, they cancelled their trip (no matter the fact that they already have visas which will expire next month) because my lola is in a really bad condition, and my evil aunt is only making things worse. Even my lolo is adding to the problems. I want to talk about it some more, but it'll take too long. Oh well...
And I've finished Sandman!!! YEAH!!! Finally!!! And I made an ordered list of the short story titles accdg to which I liked best. Now everyone who borrows my Book of Dreams has to make a list in exchange too. >:D
~forgive any typos :p~
8:06 PM
August 06, 2005
Quick PostThere is something unbelievably tragic about not being able to do something you love doing simply because you have no time to do so....
