Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide

Horror Movie Survival Guide

I have found this browsing the net and i found it to be absolutely funny. This are just a few tips that i found extremely hilarious.

"The following are tips for any character in a horror film. If you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may make it out alive. Until the sequel that is..."

1. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
2. When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
3. If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating zombies, and there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them than you. But if the zombies come after you shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them.
4. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
5. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
6. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
7. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or f all down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
9. If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
10. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
11. If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
12. When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
13. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
14. If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.
15. If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
16. If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must:

- Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens
- Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.
- Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters
- If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.
- Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.
- Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot.
- Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

Check the rest of 300 survival tips here.